The Search for Beauty

Have you ever had a phrase that just keeps scrolling through you head? You don't know where it came from or what it means; it's just there. One of my more recent cases (remind me to make a list of them) was a voice telling me, "You are in a constant search for beauty." I feel like this describes the artist in general, but I have come to see the ways it applies to me specifically. Aside from a common appreciation for the external world, I also find myself interested in the very detailed feelings and emotions that are affected by my environment. And there is a great deal of stress in this when I can't find the outlet for this. I think this is why the artist/creative type needs to create. It's to share their perception of the world in as accurate a way as possible.

A few weeks ago, I went to a spinal injury recover center with Maura. I prefer to think of it as a hospital, even though it's not exactly the same. I have been to any sort of hospital very few times, and whenever I do, the atmosphere is always more unfamiliar than the last. The interesting thing to note about this most recent visit, was the fact that I was silent (to a degree). This is a very impressive task for me. I couldn't exactly describe my reasons for being so quiet, and I sort of brushed at off as a lack of comfort. In retrospect, it was related to the unfamiliar setting, but to be more precise, I was taking in my surroundings. In the background, situations within the setting built themselves; the elements that create the atmosphere searched for any entrance to the forefront of my brain; I was in desperate search of a way to describe it.

I never did find it, and I'd need to go back a few more times before I get an answer, but I've left with a certain idea that may be important. It relates to aesthetics. What is beauty. Well, despite the title, beauty is somewhat trivial in this sense. It describes one part of a whole. And this is for me personally; I get the feeling it doesn't apply to everyone. The alertness that comes with emotions is directly related to the fruitless attempt to try and explain or understand them. I remember a point, where I'd take careful note whenever I'd cry, because it was so rare that I ever cried. I wanted to understand it, and once I did, I stopped noticing. This happens through a myriad of emotions, most of which don't have names. A common denominator between them is that they are all brought about by sense memory.

Rather than rambling on about this phenomenon, I think it would be more comfortable if I listed examples instead.

• Sight
•     I have countless pictures of people, most of whom I don't know, who strike me in a certain way. The kind of people who automatically dray my attention.

<I'll finish this when I find more examples> <Need more time to search desktop. tired.>